Here is an update on what’s been going on in my life. Well, aside for watching my people die of this BS COVID. And coincidentally, they all had pre-medical conditions. So, I guess it was easy for the doctors to say they died of that versus a healthy person dying of it. I hear the same BS story, “they went out once and caught it.” My husband believes everything the news says. He thinks I’m crazy. I finally told him off and explained to him how it sometimes hurts me to feel that the person I love deeply, not believe in me, and not on my side. He’s with the sheep on most subjects. Over the years, I’d ignored it, or maybe I was just to busy to notice. It’s incredible what isolation would do and force you to see.
I swear, I’ve not wanted to go to a funeral more in my life, despite having already been to a few. But this one bothers me the most. First of all, I was guilted into going by a relative whom I don’t speak to anymore. I wasn’t going to go. Because my sheep family made it mandatory for everyone to wear a mask. I don’t like being forced to do anything. Exceptionally, something I know in the depths of my soul is BS. It will be like complying with the lies and seeing everyone sitting six feet apart with masks on, looking like brainwashed fools. It saddens me, and it goes against everything I believe.
Upon seeing that, and being asked/force to wear a mask just to enter the church second set of doors. Shook something in me, and made me snapped liked that lady in the grocery store TikTok video. However, I politely released my hand from my husband’s, and I’d said, “I will wait outside.” After all, he needed to go in to get proof for his job. I stood outside on the top steps and greeted everyone who entered from a distance. Some ask why I was standing outside, and I told the partial truth, “I couldn’t bear it.” Of-course individual members tried to make me feel guilty, but it didn’t work. After the funeral, we grabbed some takeout and went home. I felt great that I didn’t comply. It’s like once you’re awake, you can’t go back to BS.
The Virtual Cam Conference
Oh God, it was like something was in the air after my last journal confession. And now here I am having to see him, after not seeing him since the previous week at work. Since then, it’s been phone conferences, emails, and so on. But this time I get an email saying that we’re going to Virtual Cam Conference. The VP (my boss), and a few other big leagues wanted to get personal and talk. They wanted to see everyone’s reactions to the debate of opening the office doors again. I have to work so closely to my boss had to be there with him.
I have no idea what got into me. But upon receiving the email, I started getting butterflies and found myself picking out something to wear like I was going on a date. After decisively picking out an outfit, I then had a realization and suddenly realized what I was doing. And at that moment I’d settled with a typical t-shirt. It was now time to come up on cam and see the man whom I haven’t seen since our kiss. My heart was beating so fast. Why I have no idea?
Everyone’s cam popped on one by one. His was the last. Then it happened. All the memories that have been suppressed had come flooding back. The touch of his lips, hands, the bulging from his pants (big), his eyes, and the killer smile. He had grown a little stumble and gotten more fit judging from how his shirt was fitting. I found myself looking away immediately and avoiding looking at him throughout the conference thus far. However, I felt he was staring at me but brushed off as paranoia. I mean how can you tell. It was working for a second until he blatantly and out of the blue, directed a question at me. I mean, until then I only had to speak to the other four people in the conference (easy). He asked me, “how I felt about opening the doors to the office”. He looked at me through the camera. He had a pleading and desperate look on his face. While he was staring with his piercing eyes, and clenching jaw. So much so, everyone started stammering and was taken back. Because he literally said it in the middle of a discussion of what precautions they would have to take. It was like he wasn’t paying attention to anything they were saying. He wanted my opinion. I was taken back, by the sound of my name coming from his mouth. I almost dropped my coffee. It was like hearing him say my name, awaken some feelings I haven’t felt in years or maybe never.
Anyway, I finally answered, and I knew and felt what he was really asking me. I answered neutrally, “It doesn’t matter, I will comply with the majority.” (Secretly thinking they say keep the doors closed.)
He looked disappointed, and then asked me to clarify that and then accused me of avoiding the question. And also claim that my opinion is really needed. While saying that he looked very irritated and pleadful. Despite me explaining to him that I did answer truthfully. The other four were so shocked at his directness and a few looked embarrassed for me and looked away. Almost as if they felt like they were invading our privacy.
I had to answer, but what was he really asking me? I thought at that time. I said, “Yes, we should open the doors after the holiday” (still agreeing with the majority.) I heard him exhale; I think he was holding his breath until I answered. Everyone else agreed, and the rest of the conference was us talking about precautions, their families, and what they were going to do for the holiday, blah blah blah. The boss and I barely said two words unless it was directed to one of us. No one had noticed, because they were so immersed in their conversations to see.
Meanwhile, shortly after the conference. I got a text from my boss. Asking us to meet and talk, and that he needed to tell me something.